AWWWW this makes me sad =(. I hope I never have to go to prison! I would miss the company of other people. I'm kind of a guy who likes to make you laugh or sing to you or dance around you and all the good junk. I would miss my music most of all even though I'd just sing my own songs. I'd also miss church alot because id miss being fed the word and worshiping, even though I can do that stuff on my own but its not the same to be joined to a body. Id also miss my family and taking my little sister to the movies =(. I'd miss all of those equally.

My best friend would say she loves that I can make her laugh, that Im spontaneous, and that shes pretty much the female version of myself. My parents would say my unfailing ability to reseolve conflict in the house. I hate it when they fight(sometimes i succumb to the screaming too) But most of all if its between my brother and my parents. I always try to talk to my brother because 99.99% of the time he's being unreasonable. My parents would also thank  me for my encouragement in the household. My brother would say that I make the ugliest faces and I always have freaky twin power zing with him

10 years ago I was 9 years old. I was so nieve. I had never felt god and all I wnated to do was play Barbies and Little Mermaid. NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT! I'am defintiely a man of god now, I take the authority that god has given me and carry a heavy cross daily. I see the world differently and I try to open my spiritual eyes bigger and bigger every day as well. Im deffinitley learnign more now.

"Yout took upon your shoulders
the weight of my failures..."

So if God takes our hurts, pains, failures, mistakes, sin, insecurities, etc then that means he is bearing our burden. So your telling me I dont have to feel like this any longer?! Oh this is the day of freedom! amen.

I thank God so much for the people of integrity he has placed upon my life, People of substance and who have God's interests at heart. Chelsy has been amazing. I havent had a friend like her ever. Shes is so open to what im feeling and we always seem to be on the same page! Doug is like an amazing man of god and i just think of him as a great leader and a hero, defintiely a mentor. Choir has totally open my eyes and humbled me so much. I cant wait until the day of being on that fornt line

My brother and I are fans of Aly & Aj and I'm not afraid at all to the say that. We got tickets to there show witht the cheetah girls who i guess were ok abck in there day when raven was in it and all, anyways, we go to the concert and have a blast and after the show this lady calls us from the crowd and we think were in trouble so we follow her and shes like "here" and she hands us these passes to go to the after show meet & greet. Long story short we meet The Cheetah Girls and Aly & Aj. I've also met The Veronicas.

I just felt I needed to share this vidoe which is amazing!

God has been so amazing to me lately revealing to me new oppurtunities, dreams, visions and blessing after blessing! I cant help but share. I checked out a day in the life of a stadium intern and there was no dull moment during the day. I had something to do the entire day. there really is NO QUESTION ABOUT IT im signed up for the fall as a 212 with music as my focus. I loved it Im really excited to see where god takes me. Im not even living for the future I'm living for today

 

 

We sometimes forget how god is rooting for us to succeed, even a cloud of witnesses wnats us to succeed. this song truely changed me! please take time to listen to the words and meditate on them

Its as if im just sitting in a room. Still. No thoughts running through my mind. Desolate. While everything around me is running, moving, at warp speed. Im not moving ahead, not moving backward, just staying there. I dont like this position. Im scared, tired, angry, hopeful, like im at my wits end. God move in me. Take away my pain, depression, hurt, fear, doubt. Make me ok. Cover my sinful thoughts with the blood of the lamb. Give me a clean heart and a pure mind. HELP! Use me this year. Grow closer to me. Help to me to desire the ways of your heart and not the dead end ways of the world.

I pray these prayers and many more. I need to step into action. I feel like the longer Im in this school the farther away I move form him. I know he wants me there for a little longer to be used. Its his timing. I need to grow patient and trust worthy. I feel like a failure alot of the time. I want to be encompassed by your loving embrace. I want to learn things, use my gifts to raise you up, more than ever, I want to know you more initmately

well one of them. Stacie orrico totally rocks my socks (when she was christian)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB4kj6INEAs

My life finally has purpose? Those are the words I want use because Im finding, crafting, enrolling, preparing for my calling, But have I never had purpose before? I had, its just my focused has.......shifted! That's it.  A change of pace. A change of scenary. Change of plans. No more San Francisco. I'll stay here until the next big thing comes along. Meanwhile I'll just focus on school. I have set a couple goals formyself some, most, are personal but i'll share the ones that aren't:


Finish before fall
Learn guitar
Get another or a better job
Own a Laptop
Own a chanel Kabuki brush
Own a car
Save at least $500 as a deposite for books and school
Join choir
and possibly work for an actual cosmetics counter (particularly Chanel, MAC, Lancome, BareEssentuals)

Heres to finishing the unthinkable

Allow me to introduce myself. To those of you who dont know, and I know alot of you dont because of the countless questions I get daily, I am a christian. I do not consider myself perfect or better than anyone. I'm not writing this to shove anything down your throat, only to answer questions.

I grew up in church so I always felt that religion was something forced on me and never a personal decision I had made myself. Only until recently did I learn otherwise. When I graduated highschool I began to rebel. I would experiment with drugs and I would go to parties. Something that I had always struggled with though was my sexuality. My whole life without ever even knowing what the term even consisted of, I was automatically declared gay, fag, homo. Given the fact that I'm not into sports, and I had tons of friends who were girls, on paper and by everyones standards of what the word meant I was "gay". I truely believe when you listen to peoples words you start to believe it and people begin tell you who you are and what to be. For example your whole life someone calls you ugly you, will think your ugly right? You need to find the person you are by yourself though.

I have had boyfriends and there was a point in my life where I was out and open and I declared myself gay. I had become ok with it because I began to believe it was something I couldnt change, or so everyone has told me. When I think back on it, it really wasn't fair. I was 17 and I didn't know what I wanted out of life, I hadn't gotten any slight chance of looking for who I was or who I wanted to be. People force you to declare something, your not allowed to transition. In the back of my mind god has always been apart of my life even when I wasnt living for him. Something in my heart always told me that even though I had some physical attraction to men I knew it wasnt ever something I wanted to persue or have in the future. I went to church on a wednesday night and god really met me in that service. I started to go regularly.

Not really giving up a gay lifestyle, I just tryed to live by the basic principals of the bible and then did the whole gay thing on top of that. Im not going to argue whether being gay is right or wrong becuase honestly I dont have all the facts. For me on the otherhand, after years, and  mean years of soul searching, boy friends, and girl friends. What I really wanted most out of life was to get married(to a women) and have kids. Because of this choice I decided to write this entry. It boggles my mind that no matter what, I can't please people. I stand before you changed. Iam straight and have no desires to persue relationships with men. I have adopted a christian lifestyle and live by the standards of the bible.

I know who IAM. I know what I stand for. Why still do you question?! Will I ever be excepted?! Not by the world, well I dont want your excpetion. You would think that people would be like "oh thats cool, you found yourself and what makes you happy, good for you!" But no! The total opposite. They dont understand so they question and chastise

I may make mistake and will continue to do so only because I am human, but I really am focusing on getting right back up if it does happen and to not give up. Hope that answers your questions.

"Here is my heart, you can have it all". All of it. Tired of seeking empty destinations. Im tired of the run around. Back and fourth. Its done. I may say this alot but im totally ready to surrender. Give it all to god. nothing is stopping me. Nothing is in my way. No more lingering around. It's happening. I cant wiat for monday night. I cant wait for doors to open, for visions to be seen.

Fire on the mountain. Almost brings me too tears thinking of the weekend I just had. Only took me three days to be revealed my future, cut off ties to dead weights, form friendships, mend relationships, regain strength, be refreshed in the holy spirit. Only took three days for me to realize how big he really is yet how initmate you can get with him. My goodness! This weekend we all encountered love like never before. To see and hear 300+ grown men weeping at the foot of his throne is astonsihing. The reason these men came to the retreat was because we all were looking for something. Growing in the lord, a refreshing, to come to the lord for the first time. Whatever it was he totally met us all there everyday. Spiritual breakthrough. I have alot to do after tonight. I saw snippets of my future. The visions that Pastor Jeremy keeps preaching about- I was revealed mine. Nothign else matters, nothing will get in my way, nothing will distract me. I don't really care if I loose all of my worldly posseions, because honestly I've already lost most of them. when you go to the altar to meet god you alwasy bring something to sacrifice. Im ready to sacrifice everything. No matter how hard it will be, I know that it's imperative for my future. I havent written in a while mostly because I didnt want to vent and give them the satisfaction, but also because nothing has inspired me. I'm totally inspired now.



God is so overwhelming. If only people could catch that! He doesnt make us go through rape, abuse, drugs, alcohol, bad child hoods. He just gave all men free will, in order for us to choose to love him and one another. Because we have free will, certain people use it the wrong ways. He did , however, instill in us strength, bravery. Attributes to help us get through those type of things. When we do get there we can use our mistakes or happenings to help others. He cannot cast out all evil in the world because all sin is created equal. He would have to get rid of the smallest lie and then there would be no one on earth to serve him.



This is a goodbye to my flesh. Im telling my emotions to shut up and Im letting my mind and spirit make my decisons based on the word. Whatever comes my way Im ready for. I'm ready to kill my flesh. Daily. If that means for me to go to church monday-sunday, so be it! I should just do some laundry first.

My brithday just passed and I probably have had the best 11 days of my life these past two weeks. God has moved in me so much and has used me so much and I'm just totally on another level with him. I keep drawimg closer to him. No matter the distractions or people trying to stop me dead in my tracks, when things get hard I go after him that much more. I'm ready to be changed during this upcoming retreat and my scarifice only shows that.

On thursday it was my brithday and I got to school kind of in a blah mood from the night before and I walked into the class and the girls from my school suprsied me with cake and ballons and the whole break room was decorated for me! NO ONE has ever done that for me. It made me feel really special that they thought of me. I almost cryed. They even remebered how I mentioned I liked batman and they got me a batman cake!

Saturday was my actual party. In the morning we drove to SF and it was an amazing drive up looking at the scenary and listening to worship music, I loved it. We start off at a little store I came across the last time i was in the city, American Rag. Best store ever! Anyways, then we go to American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, and H&M. I got some good things and Im so glad I got LIQUID LEGGINGS FINALLY! If you dont know what that is google it.

We got back to modesto at around four becuase isaac had an interview with PACSUN and he got the job! Im so proud of him. I know he's going to be a really hard worker! Later in the night we had family over for cake and food. I loved it. An amazing birthday for sure!

my weekend ended with an amazing college group service! I love Jessica Adams so much!

So as I'm going through the biggest heartbreak of my life Im in such a vulnerable state. the person I love has turned her back on me and I thank her for that. I know god has so much better planned for me that I dont have to worry anymore. I know that people can influence me right now since I'm in such a fragile state of mind. Thank god that the people who have spoken to me lately have been nothing but positive influences. I draw unto god now for my strength. I rely on his word. When im down and need a friend I call to him. I answer to him. He is my rock and provider. I'm ready to surrender my life to him

As I've been on this short journey of finding the man of god I want to be, Ive come across a scripture I'd love to share with you all. I hope you get as much from this as did I:

Acts 2:17
                 "And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith god, 'I will our pout of my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions and your old men dream dreams: and on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my spirit and they will prohesy and I will show wonders in heaven above and signs in the earth beneath; blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke: the sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before that and notable day of the lord come and it shall come to pass that whosoever shall call on the name of the lord shall be saved."

For me what I took form that is, God is pouring out upon all of us in these last days. This is becoming crunch time for many of us and its now where we decide to stay or to go. stay in the same spot your in with god and keep on pressing in to become desperate and not turning back, living for god not matter what. Go and do what your used to doing when times get difficult, or the rules seem too hard to live up to, or just lazieness.

I chose to go to that point of desperation, nothing else matters just that I become one with god. To save souls and live my day to day calling. Make your decision! We are a generation that no longer has time to sit and wait for god to move in us. We should be moving for him. No time to wait and see what calling he has for us. Go after it!

It's all fake! My smile, my laugh, my worshipping. It's all this act. I'm not "over it" im not over anything. No where near it. Yeah I'm getting closer but I just want to speed this whole experience all up to when I'm ok with myslef and ok being alone. Right now I'm not ok. I'm looking for compliments, and attention.

I live for that stuff-This is getting deep but I'll just go there. I like when people tell me I look nice, or my hair looks good, or they miss me. It makes me feel good. I need attention, and apporval. I'm not going to lie anymore. Im pretty vein and selfish. Now that I dont get all the attention I wanted Im kind of going a little crazy. Not too bad, but crazy enough to make me right this. I dont like it one bit. I want to be confident with myself, and just accept the comliments for what they are, nice gestures, not my life.

I'm not happy. I havent been for a while. Im trying to get back up soooo bad. I want a touch form god, I want him in my life again! Come back! Its up to me to make it all work, to read the word, worship, alone time, trust in him. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow I'll be independant, and happy?!

I just needed to vent a little. Get it all out you know?

wishfull thinking, wishfull results...........

Im totally officialy finished. I'm finished with who I've been. Not even just yesterday but maybe even a few minutes ago. I hated myself soooooooooo much. I CONSTANTLY needed peoples approval and last night at leadership the whole house was moved. This entry was going to be a hate filled, depressed look at my pathetic excuse for a life but I remembered one thing. The feeling of content I was in last night, after I got into gods presence. Peace, love, joy.

I layed down my self hatred that I really didnt have that much of a clue that it was there.  Ben prayed over me and told me to say that I was "worth it" . that I was "good enough".  "I no longer have to prove myself" was another thing I said that hit me. No matter how "gay" or corny it sounded. I said it and immediately started crying harder than I ever was before. Ben told us that we were all gods sons and even though we do wrong he still is there to take us back immediately. I strated screaming. "Daddy!" "Please help me!" I know it sounds really weird but i just needed to say that. Honestly I never really took much thought or realized that god is our faher. I never really saw him as my Dad.

I can have that WHENEVER I want to! I just need to constantly go after him. It's been such a huge change from where I was at the begining of the summer. Day and night. I dont regret ANTYHING. I've really experienced amazing things this summer. As the seasons change, expect me to change as well. I cant wait for it. To be back in his arms. To speak in my prayer language every chance I get! to worship again! Its like I literally lost my voice when I left. I want to be able to sing to him again. For him again. I'm excited to read my word!

Hope you can forgive me
For all the mistakes I've made
Be patient with me, baby
I'm just tryin' to make my way
I'm not a superhero
Sorry I couldn't save the day

I'm so sorry
I didn't want you to see me this way
I'm so sorry
I didn't mean to fall from grace

Are, excuse the language, so fucking stupid!!!!!!! It really is ridiculous!!!!! Why must we be so labeled, categorized, boxed, shipped and sent to where we belong like were peoples mail. Like were just shipped to a destination and are supposed to stay there with no other way out or no other options. Why must certain things be seen certain ways. The people at my school are ridiculous! They ask so many invasive, obscene, rude questions that no one else has to answer or no one else is even asked! Why do I get that attention? It always seems to be that way.

My whole life I've gotten attention for being "differnet"? Like really how different am I than anyother person? I can guarantee you Im individual. My own style, attitude, tastes, goals. But really Im just a regular guy who works, goes to school, and is hoping to save enough money to start my life soon. Tell my why I get questions about every single aspect fo my life?! First its about my sexuality. "Are you gay?" "How far have you gone with someone?". Then they find out I have a girlfriend. "Who is she?" "How old?" "How do you have a girlfriend if your so gay?' "Why do you dress like that?" "Does your girlfreind think your gay?" "How come you act like that?" Those questions get ALOT WORSE too dirrty to type or even share with you.

All of the above questions involve the whole class. Each question is asked one after the other and Im in the middle of this circle of scrutiny and judgement. Talk about feeling uncomfortable and embarassed! I deal with that in some form EVERYDAY, no joke. Not even exaggerating. This never really ends. I will get this for the rest of my life. When I start a new class, new school, new job.

My point is STOP! Can I please just live? Can I wear UGG boots with my jeans tucked in?! Can I wear a deep V neck? Can I wear a headband?! Who cares if I confuse you? Is it your life goal to figure me out? My family loves me, god loves me, she loves me and there the only people I care about.

and to answer your questions

No!